Oscar Predictions

It’s that time of year again. I haven’t seen many of this year’s Oscar nominees but I felt obliged to take a stab at what the future might hold for this most prestigious of award ceremonies.

2015

There will be a new category for Best Performance by an Artificial Intelligence. The award will go to Tom Hanx (v2.0.1) for his performance in Random House.

2019

Best Foreign Language film will go to a movie titled Finding Home. Produced entirely in Klingon, the film will document the struggles of Patrick O'Neil, an impoverished immigrant living on the streets of Boston in the 1890’s and his futile search for the American Dream.

2024

An aging George Clooney will have himself cloned. The clones will represent him at various ages and star in a remake of The Parent Trap, directed by Clooney. Clone #6 will win for Best Actor. Clone #4 will accept the award on his behalf.

2055

The awards will be restructured to accommodate the arrival of holographic films. Best Picture will go to Fred Lomax for his film The Wright Stuff: Orville and Wilbur’s Excellent Adventure.

2077

Although not an Oscar contender, the advent of the 100th Anniversary of Star Wars will launch a newly enhanced version of the popular movie series dubbed The Super Awesome Spectacular Edition. Painstakingly re-mastered according to instructions left by George Lucas before his strange disappearance, the new films will again revitalize the franchise. However, purists will be quick to point out that the original version made multiple references to a now deleted character by the name of Darth Vader.

2095

From here on out the Benevolent Robot Overlords will dominate the awards, beginning with their unprecedented 99.827% sweep. By this point humans will no longer attend the movies as they are all shown in either scrolling source code or at 4096 frames per second.